Well, this morning I had the normal, so routine doctor's appt scheduled. Now, let me just preface this post by saying that during my first two pregnancies, it never occurred to me that anything could go wrong. I floated along happily, naively thinking that the world was grand and all would be fine. However, since having the miscarriage and knowing first hand, so many women who have had miscarriages, I worry. ALOT! So much that I've had nightmares about walking into the first ultrasound and the nurse tries to find a baby, and there isn't one. Or, that one routine visit I'd walk into the room and they'd do their normal thing - you know, try to find the heartbeat of the baby with the doppler and there wouldn't be one.
Today, my nightmare came true. Lying flat on the table, the doctor moved the doppler around searching for the heartbeat -- but nothing, just my heartbeat. I tried not to panic, really. But, Hubby had just left the room to take Maddy to the restroom and here I am laying on this table with little Lacy and she's asking questions and all I can think is that any moment I'm going to hear that fast little heartbeat. I waited and waited and waited. You see, up until this point, I hadn't heard the baby's heartbeat yet. We saw it on the ultrasound at the first appt, but that was 8 weeks ago. Just as Hubby was walking into the room, the doctor said, "Let's not waste anymore time. We're going to do an ultrasound now." And then she smiled this reassuring smile and said, "I'm sure everything is fine. It's just a good excuse to do an ultrasound, especially since your Hubby is in town." I smiled, knowing that Hubby had no clue what was going on. So, they rush us over to a waiting area where I informed Hubby that we were headed to do an ultrasound. Oddly, he didn't question, even though I had told him the appt should be pretty routine. And then I looked at him trying not to tear up and said, "They couldn't find a heartbeat." The look on his face was one that I'd rarely seen before and he responded with a "what?" I said, "They couldn't find a heartbeat - that's why I'm having an ultrasound." And then as if to calm him, I went into this whole rant about how really, I'm at the border of when you can hear the heartbeat and it's not really that uncommon and hey! we get to do an early ultrasound. Unfortunately, I didn't see the worry erase from his face. And what was even more frightening is that he didn't ask anymore questions. Actually, he didn't say another thing. He just sat there, waiting for our name to be called. And I kept telling him that if he needed to leave (he had military duty today and was going to be late if he didn't leave) he could. I assured him that everything was fine. But he stayed. And I'm REALLY glad.
You see, in my life, I've gotten used to doing a lot of things alone. However, somehow, God has almost always worked it out that when big things are happening and I'm about to crumble, my husband is physically here to swoop in and support, encourage or just lighten my load. And this was one of those times. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the news without him if the ultrasound showed something bad.
Finally, after only less than 5 minutes of waiting, we were called back to the ultrasound room. I quickly hopped up on the table and the nurse wasted no time getting down to business. Almost immediately, we heard the rapid thump, thump, thump of a little heart. Oh my gosh, I could breathe again! Praise the Lord!
Hubby quickly asked if the gender of the baby was clear in any of the pictures. Unfortunately, despite the nurses best efforts, she really couldn't tell. So, Hubby will have to wait for that news.
And here, this is the picture of the little bugger that was hiding somewhere when the doctor was trying to detect the heartbeat: