Oh how this blog has suffered under the weight of my crazy life . . . so I'll update you all in a numbered format - 'cause everything that has been going on is so random, it'd be hard to write about it in a cohesive post.
1) This is mid-term week and I'm crumbling under the pressure. One instructor wrote "this is a rigorous exam with essay questions, be prepared to spend the full 2.5 hours to complete the exam." The problem is all of these exams are timed on the computer, so it's imperative that I not have any interruptions. Well, as we all know, I have two toddlers and an absentee husband - my life is full of interruptions and distractions. I know I'll get it done, I always do.
2) My Dad went in for his yearly heart cath on Monday. I had intended to be at the hospital for the heart cath - even planned days ahead and it came to the day for the heart cath and it completely slipped my mind until my step-mother called me to say that two of Dad's arteries were 60% blocked and one is completely blocked and the doctor will need to do two stints today. In a panic, I threw on some clothes and ran out of the house, completely frustrated with my inability to juggle everything that's going on. You see, in my mind, it was imperative that I be there for the heart cath and even more so for the stints - the first time they ever did stints (2 years ago) they lost Dad on the table. I needed to be there. However, God knows where I fall short and he provided time for me to see Dad before they put the stints in. We had our normal conversation about health and what I needed to do for myself, I kissed him and they wheeled him away. Two hours later, the doctor came out to tell us that Dad was in recovery doing well. They put in two stints and did one angioplasty. For those of you who don't know, two years ago my Dad suffered a massive heart attack and had a quadruple by-pass. No warnings - just one day, he drove himself to the hospital and said he was having a heart attack - and boy was he ever. They life-flighted him to another hospital and lost him one or two times on the way. We were shocked. Totally unexpected. Now two years later, the doctors still can't seem to stop the plaque build up in the arteries. He's on meds and has changed his diet but good 'ole genetics keep the plaque just building up. I too suffer from extremely high cholesterol levels - the levels are even worse when I'm nursing a child. That's those darn genetics again. So, all of this with Dad has been a huge reality check for me. I've fought being on medication because we wanted to have another baby. But from the looks of everything, I'll need to take some action after this baby is born. I can't put these decisions off any longer. It's not fair to my family - my husband worries about my health. I, not so much. I just don't deal with it. Anyway, #2 has now become way longer than I intended. Summary: Dad is recovering well - praise the Lord! He will be on Plavix for the next two years and the doctor said it's imperative that he take this medication EVERYDAY - even missing a couple of days could be detrimental as that would lead to two blocked arteries in a matter of days. Long term - we may be looking at another open heart surgery.
3) Pregnancy is progressing. I'm starting to show a little (but I think it's a lot of bloating). You see, I get the nausea fixed but then that creates another problem. I'll spare you all of the details, but let's just say that I'd give anything to be somewhat "regular" at this point. Seven days is unacceptable - really. And did you know that supposedly, laxative can cause contractions? Who knew? So, I'm stuck, suffering. It's a small price to pay though. I've been thinking a lot about this little baby. And the excitement is finally building for me. I know I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, but it's good to be feeling good emotions for once.
4) I am totally ashamed of this one . . . but I finally FedEx'd some packages that should have been sent out at Christmas. I know! That's terrible! But I am who I am. I have two hands, two legs, two children. Some things get done and other things have to wait. I do often wonder how dramatically my life would change if I had a husband who was home every night -- a girl can dream right? So, to those of you receiving those packages, just know I will try to be better about sending things out on time, though, I can't make any promises. I am who I am! But just because the packages are late doesn't mean that they aren't sent with lots of love.
5) Thank you notes - would love to have a second to work on those. Believe me, I am grateful for every gift I or my children received this holiday season. Mom and Dad W - you hit the nail on the head for everything this year - love it all! And as always, my SIL was very creative with their gift - so neat. And I love how she wraps everything so perfectly and has handmade tags (where does she get the time to do all of it?) And she even has time to send cards at everyone's birthdays and slips in an encouraging note once and a while. If she's reading, I hope she knows that all her deeds do not go unnoticed. I love them! And wish that I had the ability to reciprocate once in a while. My other SIL chose to order something online and have it shipped to us - what a wonderful idea. Need to mark that down for next year.
6) I was determined to have a birthday party for Lulu this year as her birthday has gotten lost in the shuffle of the holidays . But, once again, it just didn't happen. And now as we've entered February, it doesn't look like it will, unfortunately. I just can't tackle that right now. I know my limitations to my sanity . . . and well, I'm at my limit or maybe even past right now.
7) Mama guilt - I've got guilt. I'm working so hard on school that I miss the days when the girls and I could just be together - play outside- go places. Most of my days now are spent telling them to "go play" while I try to do homework. And I feel the days slipping by. These days are so precious and I feel like I'm missing so much. And soon, we'll have a new baby who needs lots of attention. How? How do I get everything done and still feel like I've enjoyed these last few months with my girls before the new baby? Am I being silly? I just remember how much fun I had with Maddy and I soaked up those last few months of just the two of us before Baby Lulu was born. And now, I want to do that with the girls. I feel guilty because I feel like neither of the girls have gotten a whole lot of me - alone. Is this normal? Am I feeling this way because my children are so close in age?
8) My husband is a saint. He has really picked up where I fall short - with little to no complaining. And he's getting less of me than the girls. I do feel guilty when he leaves for trips. I feel like I haven't basked in every moment with him. In fact, most moments are spent discussing things that I forgot to ask him on the phone while he was away, or taking care of something before he leaves. I think sometimes people look at the life of a pilot as being glamerous - they get to travel, they get to explore new restuarants and sites, they make good money - what's not to love? Well, few people see the strain it puts on the individual and their family. Most times, he's alone in a hotel room, wishing for something to do. I think a lot of times, he feels helpless - his wife is at home feeling overwhelmed and he wants to help, but he can't - the kids are sick and she's drowning in things to do and he's sitting in a hotel room trying to get sleep in the middle of the day - he's flying all night, drinking coffee to stay awake and then when he needs to sleep, he can't because he drank coffee. I know that if it were his choice, he'd choose us in heart beat. I know - no, I KNOW how much he loves us and how much he wants to be here. But his job is his job. And right now, it is what pays the bills. And we are so blessed in these times that he is still flying. I guess I just want him to know that I do see all that he does. And I greatly appreciate the hard job he has - being away from us, making the money that pays our bills. I could not ask for a better man. He truly is my gift from God.
Well, 8 seems like a strange number to end with - but I think that's all I have. This post became way longer than I ever intended but I hope it does give a little insight to those of you who were wondering how things are going.